A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker. — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". — Henny Youngman Brother Copy Share Image
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married?… — Henny Youngman Birthday Copy Share Image
I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. — Henny Youngman Anniversary Copy Share Image
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner. — Henny Youngman Girl Copy Share Image
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny. — Henny Youngman Comedy Copy Share Image
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp! — Henny Youngman Doctors Copy Share Image
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. — Henny Youngman Body Copy Share Image
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" — Henny Youngman Doctors Copy Share Image
There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate. — Henny Youngman Aspiration Copy Share Image
Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. — Henny Youngman Clock Copy Share Image
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. — Henny Youngman Marriage Copy Share Image
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him. — Henny Youngman Best friend Copy Share Image
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. — Henny Youngman Humor Copy Share Image
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! — Henny Youngman Animal Copy Share Image
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. — Henny Youngman Doctor Copy Share Image
