Humor Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

— Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

— Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

— Rodney Dangerfield

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

— Rodney Dangerfield

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

— Rodney Dangerfield

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

— Rodney Dangerfield

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the…

— Rodney Dangerfield

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head…

— Rodney Dangerfield

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room,…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me…

— Rodney Dangerfield

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on…

— Rodney Dangerfield

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's…

— Rodney Dangerfield

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I have three kids, one of each.

— Rodney Dangerfield

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I was a poster child... for birth control!

— Rodney Dangerfield

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

— Rodney Dangerfield

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be…

— Rodney Dangerfield