Wife Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife gives good headache.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

— Rodney Dangerfield

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could…

— Rodney Dangerfield

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me…

— Rodney Dangerfield

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to…

— Rodney Dangerfield

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move.…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me…

— Rodney Dangerfield

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

— Rodney Dangerfield

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

— Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and…

— Rodney Dangerfield

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

— Rodney Dangerfield

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

— Rodney Dangerfield