Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
“I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.” — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said,… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents? — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu… she bid me a don't. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
