I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
