I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
