Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room,… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
