Rodney Dangerfield

I don't get no respect

— Rodney Dangerfield

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

— Rodney Dangerfield

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

— Rodney Dangerfield

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

— Rodney Dangerfield

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

— Rodney Dangerfield

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

— Rodney Dangerfield

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

— Rodney Dangerfield

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

— Rodney Dangerfield

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

— Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a…

— Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with…

— Rodney Dangerfield

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

— Rodney Dangerfield

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

— Rodney Dangerfield

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

— Rodney Dangerfield

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop?…

— Rodney Dangerfield

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's…

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look.…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I…

— Rodney Dangerfield

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,…

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness.…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect.…

— Rodney Dangerfield

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through…

— Rodney Dangerfield

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife gives good headache.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I have three kids, one of each.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I was a poster child... for birth control!

— Rodney Dangerfield

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

— Rodney Dangerfield