For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out". — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
