Humor Quotes by John Green

“Formerly full of potential. Currently full of shit.”

— John Green

“Oh my god, I am a banana.”

— John Green

“She is funny without ever being mean.”

— John Green

“Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.”

— John Green

“The marks we leave are too often scars.”

— John Green

“you take your humor where you can get it.”

— John Green

“What a slut time is-she screws everyone.”

— John Green

“He was a dying man looking down on the surgeons trying to save him.”

— John Green

“Oh, the pain. The pain. It always rains. In my soul.”

— John Green

“And if the Colonel thought that calling me his friend would make me stand by him, well, he was right.”

— John Green

“I, however did not like to run. Or, for that matter, engage in any kind of physical exertion.”

— John Green

“You know how sometimes you see a really sexy baby? Wait that sounds fucked up.”

— John Green

“I am so freaked our right now, you could pull a clown out of my ass and I wouldn't be at all…

— John Green

“I kind of think that everyone who disagrees with me is wrong.”

— John Green

“Yes, it's difficult to ascertain whether he is trying to arouse her or perform a breast exam.”

— John Green

“Hi, Support Group Hazel. Come over here so I can examine your face with my hands and see deeper into your soul…

— John Green

“It rather goes without saying that Katherine drank her coffee black. Katherines do, generally. They like their coffee like they like their…

— John Green

“My whole life I though I was the star of an overly earnest romance movie, and it turns out I was in…

— John Green

“What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding in an hour.”

— John Green

“When you say nasty things about people, you should never say the true ones, because you can't really trully and honestly take…

— john green

“Hazel, do you enjoy it?' I paused a second, trying to figure out if my response should be calibrated to please Augustus…

— John Green

“A nonhot boy stares at you and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot…

— John Green

“Mia,' she whispered. I turned around. 'What?' I whispered back. She smiled at me a little. 'LEEERRROOOY JEEENNKKIINNNSS!' she shouted, then spun…

— John Green

“But in the time between when something gets thought and when it gets done, the ball hit me square across the side…

— John Green

“When we were kids the coolest dinosaur in world was the brontosaurus, which means 'THUNDERLIZARD'. But it turns out brontosaurs isn't even…

— John Green

“Yeah, Pudge is adorable / but you want incorrigible / so Jake is more endurable / 'cause he's so - damn. Damn.…

— John Green

“When I got out of the movie, I had four text messages from Augustus. Tell me my copy is missing the last…

— John Green

“I never wish I could go back and write more, no. I spent a long, long time trying to write the book…

— John Green

Getting you a date to prom is so hard that the hypothetical idea itself is actually used to cut diamonds," I added.…

— John Green

According to the conventions of the genre, Augustus Waters kept his sense of humor till the end, did not for a moment…

— John Green

“Imagine taking that last drive to the hospital," I said quietly. "The last time you'll ever drive a car." Without looking over…

— John Green

“The way young people speak about one another's bodies says a great deal about our society. In today's world, boys are much…

— John Green

“But you see, I am in a similar situation. I do not control the little devil sitting on my left shoulder. The…

— John Green

“Qualities of a Good Nurse: Go," I said. "1. Doesn't pun on your disability," Isaac said. "2. Gets blood on the first…

— John Green

“Ben, there are more important things going on,” I answered. “DESIGNATED DRIVER!” “What?” “You’re my designated driver! Yes! You are so designated!…

— John Green

“I don't know whether it was the general anxiety of being on a date (albeit one with my would-be date sitting five…

— John Green

“Most would live into adulthood, as Patrick had. (Which meant there was quite a lot of competitiveness about it, with everybody wanting…

— John Green

“My dad: “Emily, this risotto…” My mom: “It’s just delicious.” Gus’s mom: “Oh, thanks. I’d be happy to give you the recipe.”…

— John Green

“I will acknowledge that over the course of the evening there has been both breaking and entering. There was entering at Becca’s…

— John Green

I don't think you're dying," I said. "I think you've just got a touch of cancer. He smiled. Gallows humor.

— John Green