I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch -… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
