I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don't want… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender… all you do is say what the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Earlier I've done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
