The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
