My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty." — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.' — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people,… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray! — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other... — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
