Jimmy Carr

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

— Jimmy Carr

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

— Jimmy Carr

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

— Jimmy Carr

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

— Jimmy Carr

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

— Jimmy Carr

People with Tourettes…What makes them tick?

— Jimmy Carr

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

— Jimmy Carr

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

— Jimmy Carr

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

— Jimmy Carr

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with…

— Jimmy Carr

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

— Jimmy Carr

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

— Jimmy Carr

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

— Jimmy Carr

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

— Jimmy Carr

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

— Jimmy Carr

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids

— Jimmy Carr

But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people,…

— Jimmy Carr

I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the…

— Jimmy Carr

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine…

— Jimmy Carr

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It…

— Jimmy Carr

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you…

— Jimmy Carr

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described…

— Jimmy Carr

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start…

— Jimmy Carr

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting.…

— Jimmy Carr

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a…

— Jimmy Carr

“But here’s the thing about being human: if we put off doing anything risky for long enough, fear will attach itself. Then…

— Jimmy Carr

There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.

— Jimmy Carr

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

— Jimmy Carr

Say what you want about the deaf.

— Jimmy Carr

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

— Jimmy Carr

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

— Jimmy Carr

How many airports are there in the world?

— Jimmy Carr

“Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.”

— Jimmy Carr

Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.

— Jimmy Carr

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

— Jimmy Carr

“When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.”

— Jimmy Carr

I don't see myself as offending people.

— Jimmy Carr

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

— Jimmy Carr

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

— Jimmy Carr

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

— Jimmy Carr