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Funny Quotes by Jimmy Carr

45 Funny quotes by Jimmy Carr

All Funny quotes Jimmy Carr’s page

Jimmy Carr jokes that his nan’s fall might make a noise, then turns the story into dark humor. He mixes absurd comparisons, like spicy food stealing taste or Viagra helping old men, to shock and amuse. The punchlines often surprise with unexpected twists.

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No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

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Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

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Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

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I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

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Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

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People with Tourettes…What makes them tick?

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My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

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See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

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I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

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My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

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I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

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I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

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I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

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My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with…

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The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't…

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When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was…

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I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine…

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I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described…

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My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have…

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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for…

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I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a…

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I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem.…

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My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever…

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There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a…

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I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

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When someone close to you dies, move seats.

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If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

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I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

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A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I…

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I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday,…

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Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

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Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other...

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Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it…

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In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

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It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

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Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

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I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

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Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

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My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not…

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I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

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More by Jimmy Carr

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room…

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

“When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.”

I don't see myself as offending people.

TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out…

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to…

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.