British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray! — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses."… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
