I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
