Humor Quotes by Bill Maher

“I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.”

— Bill Maher

“I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.”

— Bill Maher

“I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.”

— Bill Maher

Recognition is one of the three big elements of comedy.

— Bill Maher

“I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.”

— Bill Maher

“Fake it. We know you can do that. We’ve seen your sex tape.”

— Bill Maher

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight...

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Any tattoo that has more than one line is too long.”

— Bill Maher

Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy.

— Bill Maher

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on…

— Bill Maher

“I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.”

— Bill Maher

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

— Bill Maher

Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it.

— Bill Maher

“America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Stop lying to me about your pancake mix. The back of the box says 1 1/2 cups makes ten to…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn't make us all ask, "What went on in…

— Bill Maher

“Of course, we in the West like to pat ourselves on the back and say we're more tolerant, and we are--but tolerance…

— Bill Maher

“For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. "Look out, Al-Qaeda---patriot on board!" I…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: If one of your news organization's headlines is about who got kicked off Dancing with the Stars last night, you're…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's…

— Bill Maher

“Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years,…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it's not gonna happen.…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Stop talking about "the gas prices under Obama." As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn't squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard.…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Instead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to re-create the Big Bang by melting atom parts in…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Let the Pope be Pope. An animal-rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed cape…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Stop putting all those pillows on the bed. Attention, interior designers, hotel maids, and real housewives of New Jersey: It's…

— Bill Maher

I always wanted to be a comedian, even when I was a little kid. I had a funny father who was in…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill Bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he…

— Bill Maher

“There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results."... Now, I'm no…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Now that liberals have taken back the word "liberal," they also have to take back the word "elite." By now…

— Bill Maher

“A diamond may be forever, but terrorism, promiscuously funded, will be too. Let's make the connection clearly by tracing the path of…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Death isn’t always sad. This week, the Reverend Jerry Falwell died, and millions of Americans asked, “Why? Why, God? Why…didn’t…

— Bill Maher

"Hi. You know with everything going down in West Palm Beach, and the holidays right around the corner I couldn't think of…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn't make it a smart country. A couple of weeks ago, I…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the…

— Bill Maher