“New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn't make us all ask, "What went on in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie.” — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“If you send more than one news van to cover Dancing with the Stars , then you have to change your name… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Republicans: 'we fought the good fight' - yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Getting up close and personal with sharks doesn't make you a wildlife enthusiast--it makes you dinner. An Austrian tourist wanted… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The sad mime at every protest has to give it a rest. One sign you're a major annoyance: when you… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To me, being brave is an element that is so important with stand-up comedy. It's not essential. There are many comics who… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: From now on, duct tape must be called what it really is--murder tape. A search of the suspected Craigslist Killer's… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Whenever you think the Tea Party can't get any dumber, they get dumber. Now they're in love with Donald Trump.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: It's okay for the president to play ball in the house. It's easy to judge and say this scene detracts… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The person who sat in my seat on the flight before me and could not finish the People magazine crossword… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Of course, when you shut off your brain from rational analysis, any book is dangerous. Taking literally ancient parables from thousands of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If the guy who makes up the poll questions at CNN doesn't want to do it anymore more, he should… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because I have been saying, for the longest time, that president Bush must set… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Sticking one's head in the sand is a deep human impulse. Like when you feel some kind of bump or growth on… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn't make it a smart country. A couple of weeks ago, I… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you're not visiting wineries in four days because you're an oenophile,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: While you're telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, you must also fill me in on your vacation… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Coal companies have to stop calling coal "energy." That's like a lumber company calling wood "fire." Or Budweiser calling beer… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being but a robot designed by women as the perfect… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: You don't need a paper shredder. I've seen your mail--it's not that interesting. What are you worried about, that the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If you get to serve me a quarter-head of lettuce with dressing on it, which proves you could have made… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad's room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share
So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies. — Bill Maher Copy Share
What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a… — Bill Maher Copy Share
“I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.” — Bill Maher Copy Share
