Josh Stern

“If she can do the splits, the 5 second rule does not apply”

— Josh Stern

“Hotness and Genius have the same byproduct: Insanity”

— Josh Stern

“Don't be so hard on yourself…that's what a loofah's for”

— Josh Stern

“Never send a Man in to do a Donkey's job”

— Josh Stern

“True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner”

— Josh Stern

“Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort”

— Josh Stern

“If you're stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse”

— Josh Stern

“I'd rather be a nodding acquaintance, than a bobble head”

— Josh Stern

“I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers”

— Josh Stern

“The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard”

— Josh Stern

“There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: the truly creative and the truly medicated”

— Josh Stern

“When you enter the Lions Den, it's best not to go empty-handed or you'll probably leave that way”

— Josh Stern

“An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet”

— Josh Stern

“I'm not saying I'm an Alcoholic, but I do have prescription shot glasses”

— Josh Stern

“I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!”

— Josh Stern

“Y'know when your dog drags its butt across the carpet leaving a stain- It's not as easy as it looks..."
”

— Josh Stern

“I wish I had flaps of extra skin connecting my arms & legs like a Flying Squirrel & then spend my days…

— Josh Stern

“To acknowledge the absurdly surreal is the clarity to embrace life as it is, not as we desire it- what you do…

— Josh Stern

“Some Women have this thermogenic effect on you, even after they've left, you can still breathe her scent, feel her electricity &…

— Josh Stern

“Love is just the chocolate-coated realization you're going to spend the rest of your life with a person and unfortunately it melts…

— Josh Stern

“I wanted to marry the first girl that I fell in love with, but there were religious differences. I was an agnostic…

— Josh Stern

“Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to…

— Josh Stern

“Dr. Suess said: 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened..' I tell my dates: 'Don't cry because it happened, smile…

— josh stern

“If we are expected to show a gentle compassion for humanity, shouldn't we all have a wash care label sewn into each…

— Josh Stern

“things you bone, end up boning you”

— Josh Stern

“I hate cutting my wrists while shaving”

— Josh Stern

“Rome wasn't built in a day, except in Lego Land”

— Josh Stern

“All the world's a stage and I'm just going through a phase”

— josh stern

“If you can't beat them, conjoin them”

— Josh Stern

“Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce…?”

— Josh Stern

“Meat IS murder – but eating vegetables IS slow torture”

— Josh Stern

“Never borrow trouble, the payback's a bitch”

— Josh Stern

“When Unicorns headbutt, there are no winners"
”

— Josh Stern

“My recipe for success: Have someone else do it”

— Josh Stern

“I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first”

— Josh Stern

“Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliff”

— josh stern

“If positivity is not your mindset, then reset”

— josh stern

“I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free”

— josh stern

“Revenge is a dish best served by a tennis racket”

— Josh Stern

“A watched pot never boils… but it does develop paranoia”

— Josh Stern