Absurd Quotes by Josh Stern

“I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free”

— josh stern

“If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator”

— Josh Stern

“To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it”

— Josh Stern

“I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers”

— Josh Stern

“Never send a Man in to do a Donkey's job”

— Josh Stern

“An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet”

— Josh Stern

“I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!”

— Josh Stern

“Don't be so hard on yourself…that's what a loofah's for”

— Josh Stern

“You're only given as much as you can handle, before going back for seconds”

— Josh Stern

“Treat me like a king and I'll treat you like a queen…..Treat me like a queen and off with your head”

— Josh Stern

“It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real…

— Josh Stern

“Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to…

— Josh Stern

“If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels…”

— Josh Stern

“There's a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it'll drive you insane or to genius”

— Josh Stern

“Love is just the chocolate-coated realization you're going to spend the rest of your life with a person and unfortunately it melts…

— Josh Stern

“Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials…I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months”

— Josh Stern

“Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard”

— Josh Stern

“If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up”

— Josh Stern

“You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order”

— Josh Stern

“Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea”

— Josh Stern

“If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane”

— Josh Stern

“I love shark week, all kids swim for free”

— Josh Stern

“I have a keen sense of the oblivious”

— Josh Stern

“Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast”

— josh stern

“Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are”

— Josh Stern

“The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1”

— josh stern

“A watched pot never boils… but it does develop paranoia”

— Josh Stern

“Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable”

— Josh Stern

“In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?”

— Josh Stern

“Death is life's way of telling you, you've been recalled”

— Josh Stern

“The practice of doing more than necessary works best when packing lunch boxes”

— Josh Stern

“There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident”

— Josh Stern

“Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub”

— Josh Stern

“Don't you wish we all lived in black light… for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know…

— Josh Stern

“Never love anybody who treats you like you're normal...they're just the psychiatric hospital staff”

— Josh Stern

“The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard”

— Josh Stern

“If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months”

— Josh Stern

“You'll never know what psychopathic heights you're capable of, just lying there on the sofa”

— Josh Stern

“It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing”

— Josh Stern

“When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on…

— Josh Stern