Dave Barry

Never lick a steak knife.

— Dave Barry

“You’re mine, Wasp,”

— Dave Barry

Someone was tapping on the window.

— Dave Barry

Your friends love you anyway.

— Dave Barry

Too many rocks in the mountains.

— Dave Barry

“Smee you, idjit!”

— Dave Barry

Reading... a vacation for the mind…

— Dave Barry

Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning.

— Dave Barry

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

— Dave Barry

Don't emphasise money if you don't have much; be happy

— Dave Barry

I do some of my best reading while seated in the bathroom.

— Dave Barry

Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.

— Dave Barry

Generally the pythons are better than anything else at killing.

— Dave Barry

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

— Dave Barry

Seriously? You won’t help me?” “Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.

— Dave Barry

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

— Dave Barry

Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this…

— Dave Barry

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

— Dave Barry

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

— Dave Barry

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

— Dave Barry

Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office.

— Dave Barry

Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

— Dave Barry

Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes.

— Dave Barry

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most…

— Dave Barry

Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time…

— Dave Barry

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it…

— Dave Barry

When the boomers started to have kids reach adolescence, there was suddenly this feeling that they needed to protect their kids from…

— Dave Barry

Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage…

— Dave Barry

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the…

— Dave Barry

The major advantage of domestic travel is that, with a few exceptions such as Miami, most domestic locations are conveniently situated right…

— Dave Barry

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them…

— Dave Barry

I was very pleased to get a Supreme Court justice suggesting a column, so I went and did a column about Beano.…

— Dave Barry

Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'…

— Dave Barry

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of…

— Dave Barry

In Los Angeles, the jury in the Reginald Denny Beating trial, after much thinking, concludes, that Person A is not necessarily trying…

— Dave Barry

The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like…

— Dave Barry

All the shopping malls and restaurants and airports are riddled with low-fidelity loudspeakers, which apparently have developed the ability to reproduce by…

— Dave Barry

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind…

— Dave Barry

You can be the smartest person in the world - which Bill Clinton is, and if he's not, his wife is -…

— Dave Barry

Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.

— Dave Barry