You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die…

This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat…

— Dave Barry

This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes…

— Dave Barry

The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That…

— Dave Barry

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

— Dave Barry

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

— Dave Barry

Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary…

— Dave Barry

He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.

— Dave Barry

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

— Dave Barry

If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things…

— Dave Barry

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you…

— Dave Barry

“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people…

— Dave Barry

Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.

— Dave Barry

Never trust anything you read in a travel article.

— Dave Barry

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it…

— Dave Barry

Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.

— Dave Barry