Skip to content

Funny Quotes by George Carlin

120 Funny quotes by George Carlin

All Funny quotes George Carlin’s page

Kilometers are shorter than miles, a tongue‑in‑cheek tip on saving gas. The jokes swing between dark jokes about executions and absurd ideas like a remote that kills the person on screen. Sharp satire mixes everyday observations with shocking twists and a hint of political edge.

Rate this collection: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Image

"No comment" is a comment.

Image

It's never just a game when you're winning.

Image

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Image

What year did Jesus think it was?

Image

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Image

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

Image

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

Image

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Image

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Image

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Image

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

Image

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

Image

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Image

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Image

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Image

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug…

Image

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

Image

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

Image

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a…

Image

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he…

Image

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't…

Image

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

Image

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's…

Image

“Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about…

Image

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura,…

Image

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some…

Image

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you…

Image

I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO…

Image

“And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the…

Image

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off…

Image

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion,…

Image

Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man ¦ Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of…

Image

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci,…

Image

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can…

Image

“Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even…

Image

Father's day is a Mother- fucker's day.

Image

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

Image

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

Image

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

Image

Other authors on Funny

More by George Carlin

I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken…

“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both…

“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out…

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital…

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,…

Is there another word for synonym?

The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the…

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?