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Life Quotes by George Carlin

66 Life quotes by George Carlin

All Life quotes George Carlin’s page

George Carlin jokes that confetti lives only two seconds before it’s gone. He says life isn’t counted by breaths but by moments that take your breath away, and he points out that the only companion we have all the time is ourselves. He also remarks that removing school nonsense makes life simple, and he compares UFOs and God as ideas with similar amounts of evidence.

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Life is a zero sum game.

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How is it possible to have a civil war?

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Life is tough, then you die.

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Life is a series of dogs.

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Is there another word for synonym?

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Life is a near-death experience.

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What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Life is not that complicated.

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“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bullshit they teach you in school.”

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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away

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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

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Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

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Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

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Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

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When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

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I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.

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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

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O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take buy by the moments that take your breath away

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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

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“In some company it’s perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.”

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I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO…

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Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes…

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“Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It’s nature’s supreme joke. Deep in the…

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Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered…

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People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several…

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I like to say two things in life that mean the most: genetics and luck. When you look at it realistically, genetics…

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It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture…

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“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over…

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Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man ¦ Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of…

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“People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several…

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“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of…

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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of…

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Everyone smiles in the same language.

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The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.

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Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.

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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

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More by George Carlin

I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken…

“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both…

“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out…

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital…

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,…

Is there another word for synonym?

The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the…

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?