Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Were having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, were having a swan. You get more stuffing. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
