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Humorous Quotes by George Carlin

81 Humorous quotes by George Carlin

All Humorous quotes George Carlin’s page

George Carlin points out that politicians demand change just like homeless people do. He mocks religion by noting the odd mix of days and the idea of a perfect God who creates things that die. His jokes also touch on human waste and the strange ways we try to hide our flaws.

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How is it possible to have a civil war?

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Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell"

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It's never just a game when you're winning.

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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

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Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

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Everyone smiles in the same language.

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An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

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I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

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As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

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These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

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We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

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In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

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People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a…

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The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls…

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McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

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I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case,…

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The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just…

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Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only…

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When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would…

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In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems…

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You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and…

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Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to…

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I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO…

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Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a…

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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he…

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I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you…

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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion,…

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I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci,…

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A pear is a failed apple.

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Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

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Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass.

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Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

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In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

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If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

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More by George Carlin

I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken…

“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both…

“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out…

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital…

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,…

Is there another word for synonym?

The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the…

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?