Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take buy by the moments that take your breath away — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood -… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I became a radio nut. I loved the afternoon serials, and I got into jazz through the radio. I had a subscription… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
No one has to come see my shows who doesn't like me talking about white Christians. They are free not buy a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If anyone e-mails you something "by George Carlin," there's a 99 percent chance I did not write it. I didn't write "Paradox… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I had run away from home three times. I had been kicked out of three different schools under different circumstances. I was… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I like to write without being stoned. I like to have a hit or two and then go punch up the writing.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The ending of my experience with cocaine came in a periodic way. I would get high less frequently, I would use smaller… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.' — George Carlin Copy Share Image
No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
