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Portrait of George Carlin

George Carlin

(1937–2008) Humorist United States

1098 quotes in 3417 categories

George Carlin treats comedy as a people's art, a raw spoken word that belongs to everyone. He jokes about the need to keep church and state apart, saying both can screw us up. He also points out that tomorrow isn’t a guarantee, only today is certain.

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George Carlin was a humorist from the United States, best known for Napalm & silly putty.

Quick Facts About George Carlin

Born: May 12, 1937
Died: June 22, 2008
Nationality: United States
Profession: Humorist
Notable works: Napalm & silly putty
Known for: seven dirty words
Spouse: Sally Wade

About George Carlin

He used his comedy to comment on politics, language, psychology, religion and other taboo topics. His routines often mixed sharp criticism with humor, making audiences think while they laughed.

Awards & Honors

Grammy Hall of Fame Grammy Award for Best Comedy Album Mark Twain Prize for American Humor star on Hollywood Walk of Fame Emperor Has No Clothes Award

Quotes by George Carlin

“Sports fans eat shit.”

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Religion is just mind control.

Control

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“In Baltimore it's 6:42!”

Baltimore

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Where do we get our values from?

Values

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"No comment" is a comment.

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Life is tough, then you die.

Death

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Always do whatever's next.

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What year did Jesus think it was?

Funny

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“You can prick your finger ... Just don't finger your prick.”

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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Comedian

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If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead

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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

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Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

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Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

Age

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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.

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Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put…

Discretion

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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

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If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?

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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Funny

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I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to form my…

Free thinking

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O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Butterfly

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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Moon

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All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World…

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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Disease

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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to…

Crime

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I think it's important to break taboos for the same reason it's important to break laws and rules - because either you're…

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You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is…

Dna

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Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.

Divorce

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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a…

Camping

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If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is…

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“I love people as I meet them one by one. People are just wonderful as individuals. You see the whole universe in…

Individuals

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There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what,…

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The only good thing about religion is the music. Because nature is filled with balances and opposites, there are always exceptions to…

Balance

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The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at…

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If there were only one cherry pie in the world, and Bill Clinton owned it, I might get a piece of it.…

America

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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others…

Camaraderie

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Let's suppose we all just materialized on Earth and there was a bunch of potatoes on the ground, okay? There's just six…

Earth

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I love individuals. I think people are terrific as I meet and get to know them. I like imagination. I like the…

Atoms

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George Carlin by topic

People (198) Funny (120) Thinking (113) Humor (102) Humorous (81) Inspirational (72) Time (71) Life (66) Stupid people (63) Religion (59) Wine (35) Men (34) Comedy (34) World (33)