People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm never critical or judgmental about whether or not a movie is any good. The way I look at it, if several… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I went to my old school, where all the kids I'd been with for eight years were about to graduate. But the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We use up words like 'spiritual' so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago spiritual had a distinct meaning. But now there's… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never took reds or Quaaludes to balance out the coke. So when it got to be four in the morning and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When you look at Earth from that one picture, the one from space, it's really a rather attractive thing. I have nothing… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I've just completed a five-year period that can perhaps best be called a breathing spell. A time of getting my health back… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
![“The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.” quote by George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/158/george-carlin-155_against-religion_the-rebellious-mood-of-the-country-durin_384671.jpg)