If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think you can talk about anything if the context is correctly arranged. If you set up the context and you bring… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you dropped me off a space platform onto the ground where a line was drawn, I would fall to the left… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you're reading it in a book, folks, it ain't self-help. It's help. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
