If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
My books and records are arranged according to subject, and within each subject, they're alphabetical by author or artist. The music tapes… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm never critical or judgmental about whether or not a movie is any good. The way I look at it, if several… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The only good thing about religion is the music. Because nature is filled with balances and opposites, there are always exceptions to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If there were only one cherry pie in the world, and Bill Clinton owned it, I might get a piece of it.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
![“Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of…” quote by George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a40/george-carlin-155_broads_most-of-the-note-taking-happens-while-i_754895.jpg)
