Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Everything that you know about yourself comes from thinking back, and I think I saw religion as the first big betrayal of… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know, if a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There are a lot of little things about our bodies that we all know, but we never talk about. That's what interests… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I love individuals. I think people are terrific as I meet and get to know them. I like imagination. I like the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
An entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself. An artist is on a journey: they don't… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Someone said, and rightfully, that "property is theft'." There's no way a man can stand and tell me that he owns an… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? Actually, I don't care, I drink it… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I literally didn't know my father. My mother had been a secretary, and after she and my father split, she went back… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
![“Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of…” quote by George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a40/george-carlin-155_broads_most-of-the-note-taking-happens-while-i_754895.jpg)
