There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Sex criminals. Completely incurable... I suppose you could outlaw religion and these sex crimes would disappear in a generation or two, but… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In my neighborhood - West 121st Street in New York, "white Harlem" - there were only two drugs: smack and marijuana. By… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I like to write without being stoned. I like to have a hit or two and then go punch up the writing.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I like to say two things in life that mean the most: genetics and luck. When you look at it realistically, genetics… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't see much of a future for this planet. I think it's a cursed planet. The boundaries we've drawn between nations… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
