If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
