I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
