Humor Quotes · Page 279

Did you know I started out as a stand-up comic? People don't believe me when I tell them. That's how I saw…

— Al Pacino

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of mans superiority to all that befalls him.

— Romain Gary

I have said that the sanction regime is like Swiss cheese - that meant that they weren't very effective.

— George W. Bush

“I pointed at Wireman's forehead. "This is your brain," I said. Then I pointed at my easel. "This is your brain on…

— Stephen King

There are some men who are witty when they are in a bad humor, and others only when they are sad.

— Joseph Joubert

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

— Mike Birbiglia

I haven't done much comedy; I would love to. I love doing dramatic roles, but I'd love to do comedy. I think…

— Richard Harmon

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

— Dave Barry

Reviewers said Ghost Country was rich, astonishing and affecting in the way it blended comedy, magic, and a gritty urban realism in…

— Sara Paretsky

“You can't go yet, not without telling us what all's happened to you since we saw you last." I faked amnesia, nearly…

— Connie Willis

“I guess you could say I’ve got a monkey on my back. A monkey named Darwin.” He shrugged off the trench coat…

— Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

“I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of…

— Franklin Delano Roosevelt

“She jotted down the order, then forced herself to meet his gaze. "It's going to be a bit of a wait, we're…

— Mina Khan

Any performer would love to have the opportunity to be able to express themselves in many different areas. If you feel confident…

— Bryan Cranston

“Ironic, isn’t it?” Shawn said. “It’s not ironic at all,” Gus said. “Dude, it’s so like a black fly in your chardonnay.”…

— William Rabkin

“Why question what Froi of Lumatere was doing here?' he asked.' When you should be questioning what would have happened to Charyn…

— Melina Marchetta

That's the great thing about a sense of humor and a sex drive, you can't wait to share it with everybody else.

— Dolly Parton

Comedy is a shared experience, and I think it's great to open that to a wide demographic.

— Dave Coulier

I love hanging around folks that love to crack jokes and pay their bills lol, and must love Baskin Robbins lol ctfu

— Joe Collins Jr

The next best thing to being witty one's self, is to be able to be able to quote another's wit.

— Christian Nestell Bovee

My father was a very funny man, and one of my strongest recollections is hearing him laugh. He didn't like people who…

— Mike Myers

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count…

— Frankie Boyle

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

— Dylan Moran

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

— George Carlin

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

— Dylan Moran

I could say I don't like dating, but its more like, I backed over this glass slipper with my car and somebody…

— Rock Cowles

“If you let your heart rule you, you’ll have a good ruler by which to measure things. This can be called wisdom.”

— Art Hochberg

“...I looked at the place with my heart beating as I had known it to do in the dentist's parlor.”

— Henry James

“Don't be stupid. You sound like his girlfriend. - Wesley Jefferson Lincoln”

— Kami Garcia

“Dude, your girlfriend is so far past high maintenance even the janitor quit.”

— Samantha Young

My stories are very somber, so I think I need the comic ingredient. Besides, life has so much humor.

— Manuel Puig

That is one of the reasons why a man should pick a path with heart, so that he can find his laughter.

— Sheldon B. Kopp

“He’s lost it. Our son is insane. Or on drugs. Or maybe not on enough drugs.”

— Ransom Riggs

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

— Jeff Foxworthy

Anger and humour are like the left and right arm. They complement each other.

— James H. Cone

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

— Daniel Tosh

People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.

— Ellen DeGeneres

“She steeled her spine. “Like Boleyn to the chopping block.” Anna smirked. “Queen of England, are we?” Mara shrugged. “Something to aspire…

— Sarah MacLean

I think if there is a God, it's very important that he has a sense of humour - otherwise, you are in…

— Rory Bremner

“A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.”

— Groucho Marx