Groucho Marx

Always examine the dice.

— Groucho Marx

You're only as young as the woman you feel.

— Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.

— Groucho Marx

I hope they bury me near a strait man

— Groucho Marx

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

— Groucho Marx

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

— Groucho Marx

“That's bad luck: three on a midget.”

— Groucho Marx

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you

— Groucho Marx

Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?

— Groucho Marx

“Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer”

— Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

— Groucho Marx

I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members.

— Groucho Marx

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

— Groucho Marx

Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.

— Groucho Marx

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

— Groucho Marx

How would you like to feel the way she looks

— Groucho Marx

Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have…

— Groucho Marx

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even…

— Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

— Groucho Marx

“A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.”

— Groucho Marx

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

— Groucho Marx

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we…

— Groucho Marx

“Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head…

— Groucho Marx

The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.

— Groucho Marx

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west…

— Groucho Marx

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound…

— Groucho Marx

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the…

— Groucho Marx

Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have? Chicolini: Well, I tell…

— Groucho Marx

The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It's been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up…

— Groucho Marx

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on…

— Groucho Marx

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for…

— Groucho Marx

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to…

— Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a…

— Groucho Marx

Wages? You want to be wage slaves? Answer me that! Of course not. What is it that makes wage slaves? Wages! I…

— Groucho Marx

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in…

— Groucho Marx

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how…

— Groucho Marx

Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear…

— Groucho Marx

He [Groucho's father] had absolutely no training, and if you had ever seen one of his suits, you'd realize what an accurate…

— Groucho Marx

I'm not much of a correspondent. My letters are not only uninteresting but sparse. I'm glad I don?t have to write for…

— Groucho Marx

“According to the wire, you are resting well and are being taken care of by a nurse. I hope she is beautiful…

— Groucho Marx