Humor Quotes · Page 277

“Never open a can of worms unless you are prepared to consume the contents.”

— Alphya Cing

Comedies are doing well because I think people want to laugh and not think about everything for a little bit.

— Jonah Hill

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

— Steven Wright

“If you're reading this, I'm either a wolf for good, or you're Ulrik and you should get the hell out of my…

— Maggie Stiefvater

“There are no coming attractions. It’s all here right now. The whole thing is being created right now.”

— Art Hochberg

My humor came from seeing my parents have sex, smoke weed, my mom being naked - just weird hippie stuff, twisted R-rated…

— Shia LaBeouf

We're gonna add logs to this problem to manipulate it into giving us what we want...like an unhealthy relationship!

— Anonymous

“He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!”

— David Sedaris

I never watched the Oscars. Come on, it's a fashion show . . . What straight black man sits there and watches…

— Chris Rock

If I can't find a theme, I can't make a film anyone else will feel. I can't laugh at intellectual humor. I'm…

— Walt Disney

“Richard didn't mind Gwyn being rich...Having always been poor was good preparation for being rich. Better than having always been rich...The well…

— Martin Amis

“You know what people are doing on the other side of the world, what’s happening on another planet, but not what’s going…

— Graham Spaid

Part of why I think I have so much fun working in the mockumentary genre is that you can cut to pretty…

— Andy Samberg

“Look, cat, you and I are never going to be friends. She’s going to call you Max, but I’m going to call…

— Victoria Scott

“But to be a parent is to live in the past-present-future all at once. It is to hug your children and be…

— Youngme Moon

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations,…

— Mark Twain

“You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and…

— Barney Stinson

“I doubt if she’s ever used a broom in her life,” he said sarcastically. “Except to ride on, of course.”

— Doreen Owens Malek

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

— Frankie Boyle

“I loved our mutual corny sense of humor. Underneath all his macho bravado, he was a dork. Just like me.”

— Kate Rockland

Can't help but laugh at this dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got cock blocked by Visa.

— Brii Ann

Love is not from the heart, but instead from the brain. Love must be logically then.

— Michael Country

“Everyone started sniffling at that point. Everyone, that is, except me. I never did the crying thing. It would have ruined my…

— Cynthia Hand

“Oscar Wilde: "I wish I had said that." Whistler: "You will, Oscar; you will.”

— Anonymous

Tel-Aviv airport is still the only airport in the world where each passenger is met by ten relatives.

— George Mikes

But huge photographs of dead bodies are slightly different. I couldn't find much humor there.

— PJ Harvey

“Give it up to God,” they’d say, or “He won’t give you more than you can handle.” Fuck that. He preferred to…

— Joel Crofoot

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

— Mitch Hedberg

The reason why Absurdist plays take place in No Man's Land with only two characters is primarily financial.

— Arthur Adamov

“A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of…

— Khaled Hosseini

Why the hell would I try to get in your pants when it looks like you could barely get them past your…

— Rock Cowles

I was a failed actor but I still wanted to show off, so I ended up doing live comedy.

— Graham Norton

He is a [sane] man who can have tragedy in his heart and comedy in his head.

— Anonymous

Men are happy to be laughed at for their humor, but not for their folly.

— Jonathan Swift

A smile is a sign of joy, a hug is a sign of love, a laugh is a sign of happiness and…

— Anonymous

I approach a comedy the same way I do a drama. I try to make it as real as possible.

— Mark Wahlberg

Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks.

— P. J. O'Rourke

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a…

— Zach Galifianakis

That dark humor has always been a part of what I've done. It's always been somewhat tongue-in-cheek.

— El-P

“What is your definition of skank?' I ask. 'A skank fucks skeezas she barely knows.”

— Megan McCafferty