Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

— Phyllis Diller

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

— Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

— Phyllis Diller

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

— Phyllis Diller

“A smile is a curve that sets things right.”

— Phyllis Diller

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

— Phyllis Diller

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

— Phyllis Diller

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

— Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

— Phyllis Diller

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

— Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

— Phyllis Diller

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

— Phyllis Diller

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

— Phyllis Diller

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

— Phyllis Diller

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

— Phyllis Diller

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

— Phyllis Diller

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

— Phyllis Diller

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and…

— Phyllis Diller

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you…

— Phyllis Diller

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.

— Phyllis Diller

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he…

— Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching…

— Phyllis Diller

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell,…

— Phyllis Diller

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I…

— Phyllis Diller

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started.…

— Phyllis Diller

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this…

— Phyllis Diller

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday…

— Phyllis Diller

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different…

— Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

— Phyllis Diller

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

— Phyllis Diller

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

— Phyllis Diller

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

— Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

— Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

— Phyllis Diller

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

— Phyllis Diller

All mothers are working mothers.

— Phyllis Diller

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

— Phyllis Diller

“I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.”

— Phyllis Diller

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

— Phyllis Diller

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

— Phyllis Diller