Humor Quotes · Page 247

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

— Craig Ferguson

“It appears your son was 85 percent curry!”

— Danny Wallace

“laughing is good. so long as you are not insulting anyone.”

— A Gentlemen

“An optimist is a man who plant two acorns and buy a hammock.”

— Jean de Lattre de Tassigny

“Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy!”

— Tamara Thorne

“Dracula is a morning person compared to me.”

— Kim Dallmeier

“There is no gravity. The earth sucks.”

— Graf Fito

“Life is a game that the universe plays with itself.”

— Chuck Whelon

Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.

— Joan Rivers

Within the framework of something very dramatic, funny things happen. Organically, from them.

— Gloria Calderon Kellett

[Hollywood] is obviously so fake, but then comedy is this little carve-out of sincerity. I love it. I get to be funny…

— Ilana Glazer

Why do single women take advice from other single women? That's like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions.

— Hussein Nishah

Nothing reveals a man's character better than the kind of joke at which he takes offense.

— Georg C. Lichtenberg

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

— Rodney Dangerfield

“Thought you were making a James Band Joke. Hard to tell with that accent”

— G. Norman Lippert

I don't want to have so much humor [in films] that it undermines the jeopardy, but enough to sometime relieve tension.

— David Twohy

“Can anyone be arrested for being such an asshole as him? Should they pass a law, legislate for just such things, make…

— Chassis Albuquerque

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've…

— Mitch Hedberg

“Loneliness tortures many if not most of the elderly more intensely and more frequently than it torments many if not most of…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Taking the alphabet first and learning one letter a year for twenty-six years he will be able to read and write as…

— John Kendrick Bangs

Even though I have fond feelings for comedy clubs, I enjoy the focus you get in a theater. Comedy clubs are a…

— Brian Regan

“Man in the struggle for peace, if he is serious about it, if he really knows what it is all about, can…

— Charles Malik

“Percy: Dad- Poseidon: Very well! It shall be as you say. But my son, pray this works. Percy: I'm praying, I'm talking…

— Rick Riordan

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people…

— Zach Galifianakis

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

— Anonymous

Camouflage condoms: They'll never see you coming.

— Anonymous

There's always been physical suffering in comedy.

— Anonymous

A sense of humour is common sense dancing.

— Clive James

I find it cruel that the word lisp has an s in it.

— Nikhil Saluja

We are specially designed to appeal to the sense of humour.

— Oscar Wilde

“Whoever made Freud a vampire is getting a stake in the heart.”

— Missouri Dalton

The righteous one has no sense of humor.

— Bertolt Brecht

“Don't let your mouth write a check that your ass can't cash, son.”

— Charles Portis

“Just because he's a spider doesn't mean he deserves any less concern!”

— Rachel Caine

“I have followed my penis into hell and returned with the story.”

— Christopher Moore

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.

— Bob Newhart

There is an intimate laughter to be found only among friends

— Maya Angelou

“Damn, this op has been like a fucking Love Boat episode.”

— Suzanne Brockmann

“Maybe I could be a ninja assassin too, Jack thought.”

— Jane Seville

“It's a certainty, but it just might work.”

— Terry Pratchett