Rodney Dangerfield

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect.…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror…

— Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits.

— Rodney Dangerfield

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop?…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

— Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

— Rodney Dangerfield

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

— Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

— Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

— Rodney Dangerfield

I was a poster child... for birth control!

— Rodney Dangerfield

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

— Rodney Dangerfield