Nikhil Saluja

A Woman Never Say: Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigarettes and beer.

— Nikhil Saluja

''SYMPATHY''... You can get from Anybody -- But...!! ''JEALOUSY''... You have to Earn it…!!!!!!!

— Nikhil Saluja

Tip: Speak English. Kiss French. Drive German. Dress Italian. Spend Arab. Party Caribbean.

— Nikhil Saluja

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

— Nikhil Saluja

I know how God feels because sometimes I just don't care about my dogs' problems.

— Nikhil Saluja

There are caregivers and there are caretakers, and yet the two words are not opposites. Why is this?

— Nikhil Saluja

You're trying to inspire us...on TWITTER. I am sure I'm not the only one who finds this funny.

— Nikhil Saluja

Netflix gives you 15 seconds between episodes to decide whether or not you're doing anything with your life today.

— Nikhil Saluja

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the freezer last night or, as my wife likes to call it, foreplay!

— Nikhil Saluja

If she skipped over that good morning text and tweeted before responding, you haven't got her yet.

— Nikhil Saluja

Math will totally make you look like a slut. Example: You're a 25 year old mother of a 9th grader.

— Nikhil Saluja

The people who says, the book is better than the movie, are fucking assholes.

— Nikhil Saluja

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel Gode.

— Nikhil Saluja

I've seen a grown man eat a whole cucumber. I have seen everything in this world now.

— Nikhil Saluja

Choosing not to masturbate is like owning a playground but never playing on it.

— Nikhil Saluja

I love Mondays and I'm not gonna apologize to you people for making good life choices.

— Nikhil Saluja

Excuse me, could you help me out? I have an incredible itch that's buried deep in my butt.

— Nikhil Saluja

The last time I washed my car was when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

— Nikhil Saluja

Money doesn't buy happiness? Um, Scrooge McDuck wasn't bathing in toasters.

— Nikhil Saluja

Behind every pretty woman there is a bunch of jealous women making up lies about her.

— Nikhil Saluja

Writing a tweet is not like impressing someone. Don't try too hard.

— Nikhil Saluja

Girls are like the bank, they'll loan you the pussy, just as long as your ass keeps making the monthly payment.

— Nikhil Saluja

Cloning seems like a good idea. I'd have much more time to come up with funny tweets.

— Nikhil Saluja

HUSBAND, PERFECT, is, in a man's second marriage, her first mate

— Nikhil Saluja

When it comes to sex, most women are like the government. All talk, no action.

— Nikhil Saluja

Of course my clothes are on the floor. I'm a guy, that is where I hang them.

— Nikhil Saluja

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

— Nikhil Saluja

And remember kids, doggy style is just missionary if you're a dog.

— Nikhil Saluja

Even if women came with Terms & Conditions, you still wouldnt read them.

— Nikhil Saluja

You're not a real man until you've loved a woman who does a little dance before she pushes out a fart.

— Nikhil Saluja

I start remembering all the times you told me you loved me and all the moments you took my breath away.

— Nikhil Saluja

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

— Nikhil Saluja

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the medical term for small penis is 'Chinese Dick Syndrome' right?

— Nikhil Saluja

Conference: One man's confusion multiplied by the number of people there.

— Nikhil Saluja

Dear Heart, Please stop breaking, you weren't made in China. Sincerely, Me.

— Nikhil Saluja

Some smoke after sex. Some sleep after sex. Others just cuddle. I remove traces of my DNA.

— Nikhil Saluja

Twitter is getting boring now, can someone tell me when this game gonna finish?

— Nikhil Saluja

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

— Nikhil Saluja

Skinny people value their health, fat people McDonalds value menu.

— Nikhil Saluja

A Woman Never Say: The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

— Nikhil Saluja