Masturbate Quotes

Taylor Gang or masturbate with sandpaper.

— Taylor Gang

Masturbate with sandpaper!

— Jugi Steady

Every time you ate, you have to masturbate.

— Goo Goo Dolls

When everything fails, masturbate.

— Nikhil Saluja

When life gets too stressful...Masturbate.

— Nikhil Saluja

If you must masturbate, you have already failed

— Josh Becker

“To masturbate is to imagine: physically.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“life is too short to masturbate silently,”

— Anonymous

“But the future is uncertain, and he can't get up enough enthusiasm even to masurbate.”

— M.R. Carey

“He looked as shocked as if I'd asked him to masturbate in front of me.”

— Dia Reeves

Life is full of important decisions like whether or not you got time to masturbate.

— Peter Griffin

Always masturbate, because there's homeless kids in Africa with no arms who can't.

— Nikhil Saluja

“Aww, did we masturbate through the tears last night?”

— Kresley Cole

Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?

— Robert Clark

It's really so hard to talk with girls after you masturbate.

— Nikhil Saluja

“I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.”

— Jarod Kintz

The truth is that, after 30 years old, men still masturbate. There are still sexual problems that arise for guys.

— Jason Biggs

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't…

— Frankie Boyle

“We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes…

— Anna Kendrick

Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize…

— Green Monk

When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving…

— Greg Giraldo

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a…

— Jon Stewart

“They had talked about doing audio man on man fiction at one time, but they realized that neither of them would be…

— Brandon Shire

Good old Pete. That's me. But I find it hard to think of myself in the first person when I'm writing about…

— Pete Townshend

Regard yourself as a small corporation of one. Take yourself off on team-building exercises (long walks). Hold a Christmas party every year…

— Will Self

“When you were little and you were afraid of the boogey man, getting under the covers meant he couldn't see you or…

— Tara Sivec

“Some women do not masturbate for pleasure; they masturbate to make a political statement: to remind us that women do not really…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Ultimately, of what possible social significance is it if a person likes to masturbate over a shoe? It may even be non-consensual,…

— Gayle Rubin

I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear…

— Zach Braff

“There will be others, many others. You’ll try desperately to digest a single word through the acronym-laden gibberish, while beginning to wonder…

— Colin Nissan

I was forced to masturbate in front of teammates

— David Beckham

If you can't sit in a public transport and masturbate then we can't be friends.

— Nikhil Saluja

Youre probably doing something wrong if you have to give a press conference every time you masturbate.

— Nikhil Saluja

Never masturbate to a fantasy involving anyone you might actually have to interact with. Trust me.

— Nikhil Saluja

“I do not masturbate often. Though at times I do so almost without being aware of it, actually.”

— David Markson

Whenever I masturbate I always pretend my right hand has a British accent.

— Nikhil Saluja

“But the future is uncertain, and he can’t get up enough enthusiasm even to masturbate.”

— M.R. Carey

Whenever you're feeling sad masturbate, because every sad story deserves a happy ending.

— Nikhil Saluja

Never try to be funny right before people are about to masturbate.

— Greg Walloch