Greg Giraldo

Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?'…

— Greg Giraldo

The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or…

— Greg Giraldo

Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If…

— Greg Giraldo

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

— Greg Giraldo

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were…

— Greg Giraldo

All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.

— Greg Giraldo

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

— Greg Giraldo

There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal…

— Greg Giraldo

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.

— Greg Giraldo

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

— Greg Giraldo

When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought…

— Greg Giraldo

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

— Greg Giraldo

A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an…

— Greg Giraldo

A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The…

— Greg Giraldo

There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?

— Greg Giraldo

Everybody thought that Titanic was the most romantic movie ever. A story about two teenagers who knew each other for three days.…

— Greg Giraldo

In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story

— Greg Giraldo

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

— Greg Giraldo

Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the…

— Greg Giraldo

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on…

— Greg Giraldo

On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted. In show business, someone else has to say that you're…

— Greg Giraldo

You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us?…

— Greg Giraldo

How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.

— Greg Giraldo

If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.

— Greg Giraldo

The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the…

— Greg Giraldo