Born Quote by Greg Giraldo

Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad…

— Greg Giraldo

The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that…

— Greg Giraldo

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

— Greg Giraldo

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk…

— Greg Giraldo

All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.

— Greg Giraldo

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

— Greg Giraldo

There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole…

— Greg Giraldo

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.

— Greg Giraldo

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

— Greg Giraldo

When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with…

— Greg Giraldo

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

— Greg Giraldo

A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm…

— Greg Giraldo