Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem,… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better? — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don't the homeless just… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
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