When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at? — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
