All Joan Rivers Quotes
- I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't. Breasts
- Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the… All
- The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud. Age
- Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death. Death
- My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn. Bedsheet
- I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.' Blue
- Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery. Buy
- A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy. Asked
- My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick… Call
- I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't… Believe
- I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. Down
- Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time. Blink
- You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary. Canaries
- Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I… Able
- Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough. Laugh
- I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. Attractive
- Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be… Acting
- Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.' Announced
- Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me. Comedy
- The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from… Ark
- I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is… Boss
- No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. Card
- She's so fat, she's my two best friends. Best
- Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin. Aspirin
- She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit. Arm