All Joan Rivers Quotes
- Two is company; three is fifty bucks. Bucks
- I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox. Eight
- That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around. Anyone
- Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride"... Bride
- I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them. Humorous
- Better laid than never. Better
- I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck Billing
- I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material. Begin
- I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Baby
- I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. All
- Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel… Advice
- If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Bend
- The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Consider
- I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Funny
- I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Age
- I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Alive
- People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Always Figured
- Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Equal
- It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who. Forgotten
- I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. Aging
- What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care. Been
- Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. Clothes
- A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. Asked
- Never floss with a stranger. Floss
- Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to… Aging